Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
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[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.