What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
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assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.