Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
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Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
oppen heimer style lol
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.