this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
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People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
me before I type out affect or effect
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
Breaking news:
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
Sending in my taxes