Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
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Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person