I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
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I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license