[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
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[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it