me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
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You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.