Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
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Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
The pasta is now
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
I’m giving up for Lent.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period