me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
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Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.