Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
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My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
Taking phone security to the next level.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS