People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
You Might Also Like
Isn’t
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons