nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
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Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
Time heals everything 🙂
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73