The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
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[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking