me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
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I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
peak technology
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
thanksgiving should be called feaster
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.