Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
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[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.