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Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
Art by Pastelkatto
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
They’re called werewolves.
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
Which wines pair best with gloating?
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.