Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
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[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.