13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
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I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
WHO DID THIS?
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today