There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
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told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
🖤✌🏽
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.