‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
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I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.