I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
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my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.