You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
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I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
i’m having this made into a welcome mat