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[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.