I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
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Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.