They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
You Might Also Like
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
what are they serving at kfc then???
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
thanksgiving in nutshell