Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
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[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok