CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
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Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
me linking you to my twitter
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed