I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
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Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
started wrapping my pills in cheese
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep