Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
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I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.