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[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.