I had to Stop for this
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One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.