Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
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My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
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me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
I’m tired tomorrow.
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”