[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
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Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.