[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
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I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing