I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
You Might Also Like
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.
[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
This chloroform smells expensiv…
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.