When you kidnap a writer.
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fly smarter, not harder
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name