When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
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“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
I don’t think my car can fly
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.