Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
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ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
oh you wanna fight?!
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
Welcome to the stomach
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby