IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
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Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.