Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
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[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times