Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
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I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
Living the best life.. 😊
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face