ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
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finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.