News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
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FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones