I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
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Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people