You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
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Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers