[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
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Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
Goodnight 🐶
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
All set.
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER