Time for evil
You Might Also Like
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
Heroic Misunderstanding
“HELP WITH CAT”
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves