me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
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Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
I don’t know what to do
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo