This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
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Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.